


Falling

by cadkitten



Series: Withering [2]
Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Cutting, Drugs, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Unrequited Lust, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-29
Updated: 2011-07-29
Packaged: 2017-12-05 17:07:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/725742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Withering - Die's feelings surface after all these years, dragging him down further and further, leaving Kyo to pull him back up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling

**Author's Note:**

> Someone requested this a long time ago. Well... here it is.  
> Beta Readers: gothic_hime, kismekilmeluvme  
> Song[s]: " Beautiful" by Eminem

It's been four months. Four long months since Kyo turned in his divorce papers and showed up on my doorstep in the dead of the night. But the memory of that night hasn't faded at all in my mind. The way he ended up curled against my side on the couch, utterly exhausted but unable to fall asleep. The way that in the early hours of the morning when we finally did drift off, I awoke to him crying in his sleep, his face a mask of such pain that my heart could do nothing but go right back to him. Every effort I'd ever made to shut off my feelings for him turned up useless on that night. I already knew how it was going to end, I could see it clearer than the daylight seeping in the curtains in bright little strips across the floor. I'd fall hopelessly back in love with him and he'd never ever know. Just as he'd never known before.

In the weeks following that night, I found myself falling back down into that deep, dark hole that my heart always seemed to be when it came to Kyo. I ended up in that pit that I knew I'd never dig myself out of this time, my heart delivered on a silver platter to a man who'd never even notice it because he thought I was just a good friend. Just another buddy. It hurt about as much as it felt good to stop denying every feeling I'd ever had for him. The only problem with the whole thing was that Kyo sort of moved into my spare room. He showed no signs of wanting to leave and wasn't even looking for a new place. He just paid me on a weekly basis for everything he'd used and for "his half" of rent. His words, not mine. I'd have never charged him for staying, but he insisted.

As time moved on, I started to lose track of myself, too lost in the blinding dark to notice. I fell into a sort of depression that left me outwardly grumpy and inwardly self-destructive. I lost interest in eating anything at all, slowly started to draw in on myself, ignoring everyone around me except Kyo. And I found myself one day sitting around chewing my nails off down to the nub. Something I hadn't done for years. The last time I had was the last time I realized I needed to move on from Kyo.

But this time I couldn't move on. He was everywhere I was. I had nowhere to go that he wasn't there. My entire house contained traces of Kyo, even when he wasn't standing there. His things even ended up in my sanctuary, my bedroom. I lost interest in doing anything to even keep myself happy. Even my one last frontier of stress relief was taken from me by the very presence of his things in my bedroom. I just couldn't do such things when I knew he'd been in there, could come in there at any given moment and find me out. And on the nights I could hear him doing what I couldn't, I just lay there in bed and cried myself to sleep, the silent type of tears I could deny in the morning and pretend never happened.

I found myself twice in the kitchen, trying to cook dinner for him while staring down at the knife in my hands like it could provide me the relief I was seeking. I felt like somehow I had found my way into his world, found his pain and was feeling it for him. He had been living his own personal hell and it had turned into my own. I should have been happy. I had him so close to me, closer than ever, and yet I was more miserable than I had been when he'd pulled away from all of us.

And that's about the time that I realized I had nowhere to go but down. Up was no longer an option. I was losing touch with reality and I couldn't even find a reason to honestly live any longer. With that at the forefront of my mind, the following tour to the United States resulted badly for me. I fell in with the other bands and their habits. I drank myself into a stupor with them and when they'd offer me something... anything... I'd take it without question. I grasped at the straws, trying hard to get myself to the point where I could simply feel happy for a few more minutes. It was all false and I knew it, but somehow that never once mattered.

It was the second to last day on the tour when Kyo came to me. He found me in my hotel room, the bed a mess and the floor around it worse. I'd had far too much to drink, enough that I'd regret it in the morning, and when one of the boys from the other band had started cutting lines, I'd just gone with it and done a few myself. When Kyo got the manager to let him into my room, he found me half naked, my dick in my hand for the first time in months, and my phone open to a video he and I'd taken years ago. He was laughing and I was hanging on him in the back of some private club somewhere in Tokyo.

My eyes were glassy and despite what I was doing, I wasn't even hard. I was just a literal mess. The way he looked at me was probably the most shocking part. He didn't look shocked or even angry. He just looked sad, if not a little confused. He closed the door and locked it back, keeping everyone else out. Without a single word, he just started cleaning up the floor and then the counter, getting rid of the evidence of what had transpired as well as he could.

When he came back into the room, holding the plastic trash can from the bathroom, he sat down on the bed and put the can at my feet. Without a word, he pushed me upright and moved my hand away from my dick. He put my boxers back in place and then pushed me far enough forward I felt nauseous. His hands held my hair back from my face as he put a hair tie in it and then kept his hand on my back until I lost it. I heard my phone click shut a few minutes later and I knew the length of the video by heart, knowing he'd watched the whole thing, heard my last words on it that he'd never heard that night. He'd gotten up at the end, stumbled off for the bathroom and I'd whispered out that I loved him before Toshiya had shut off the video from recording. It was why only I had that video. It was my shame and my treasure all at once.

For near twenty minutes, Kyo sat with me, letting me empty my stomach and then double bagging the bag and taking it to put it in the bathroom. He brought back the can just in case I needed it along with a glass of water and a washcloth. He made me drink the whole thing without a single word, his presence so commanding it was almost choking. Once he'd done that much, he knelt in front of me and framed my face with his hands. "Tell me... where did you get the drugs, Die?"

I couldn't even answer; my head still swimming and my mind not really computing the answer enough to get it out of my mouth.

"Are they yours? Did you buy them?" I shake my head in response to that. "The other band?" I nod a little and his lips draw into a thin line before he sighs and strokes my bangs back from my face. "Don’t do this, Die. I can't watch you like this." I stare at him with pure pain in my eyes and I watch as his face changes, shock written all over him. "It's me, isn't it?"

I turn my head away and he doesn't move at all. He hardly breathes as the minutes pass by. Finally, he murmurs, "Go take your shower," and gets up, going to wash his hands and then get a new washcloth to clean down the dresser again.

I do as I'm told, not even bothering to argue, just taking my shower as well as I can with how badly I'm shaking. I brush my teeth and come back in to the bed sheets having been changed out, the corner turned down for me to get in, and Kyo's sitting on the other side, one pillow behind his back, my phone in his hands. The sounds of the video are in the air, and I know inherently exactly where he is in it. My mouth silently forms the words he speaks to me and then I wait on it, hearing the sound of him getting up, the leather creaking, and then my whispered words. I watch him as a single tear traces down his cheek and he reaches to wipe it away before closing it and looking up at me.

He pats the bed next to himself, and I move to change my towel for my pajama pants before I slide onto the bed and curl myself up next to him, my hands fidgeting in my lap. I wait on him to say something, to tell me how ashamed he is of me, anything. But when he does speak, it isn't what I expect at all.

"I'm so sorry, Die. I never knew. I never even suspected." He holds my phone out to me and I just stare at it, not wanting to take it back right then, as if touching the thing with my shame in it will break me in half. He puts it down on the bed next to me and sighs. "I... I've been dragging you through hell with this. I never should have burdened you with it. I'm so goddamn sorry." His voice breaks on the last part of it and my reaction is completely from the gut, not thought out and certainly not censored.

"No!" My hand comes out to grab his wrist, my fingers tighter than I mean for them to be. "I need you in my life. Don't you dare leave me again!"

He stares at me and I stare back at him in shock. I didn't mean to say it and I certainly didn't mean for it to come out like a deranged person. My lower lip trembles a little and he relaxes a little. "Is that what you think? You think I'd find this out and just ditch you?" When I don't answer him, he shakes my hand off and touches the side of my face, forcing me to look at him. "Answer me, Die. Is that what you think?" I nod a tiny bit and he shakes his head. "Not a chance. I never wanted to the first time. You've always been the closest to me and it hurt me every single minute I pushed you away. I just..." he sighs and wipes a tear from my cheek with his thumb, "love does crazy things to a man. Doesn't it?"

My head bows and he slides his hand into my hair, moving me to rest against his shoulder. I feel oddly reversed from how this all started out. He rocks me a little bit, pressing soft kisses to the top of my head. He lets me cry myself out and then softly murmurs, "Tell me... this drug thing is new, isn't it?" I mumble out a tiny little yes and he sighs. "Can you stop on your own?" Again, I reply with a yes and I can feel him nod a little. "Good. I want you to stop. If you do - and only if you do - I'm willing to see where _we_ can go."

For a moment I think I have to have heard him wrong. But the moment that I go still, he rubs at my back. "I mean it, Die. I'm not joking with you or trying to hurt you. If you really love me, then I want to give it a try. You've always meant the world to me. It's not that far of a leap, is it?"

Relief floods my body and I let out a trembling little breath, finally moving to wrap my arms around him. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. I just-" he cuts me off and finishes my sentence for me, "couldn't take the pain of it? Couldn't have me so close without everything coming back?" He sighs softly and strokes at my hair again. "You've always been so sensitive. It's something I admire and I shouldn't have let you fall this far without doing something about it." He lifts my chin and looks me right in the eye. "But don’t you dare think I'm doing this out of pity or obligation. I know how you really feel now and I can see it plain as day." He touches my heart and then his. "I need to be loved, Die. And so do you." It's maybe not as eloquent as one would expect from him, but it's just how it is.

"I love you," I whisper, saying it to his face for the first time in all these years.

He smiles softly at me and leans in to press a kiss to my lips, whispering, "I know," against them. And as much as that isn't the answer I've dreamed of, it still means the world.

**The End**  



End file.
